Top 7 Reasons to Join Goonwaffe

#7 All Goonwaffe Members get free Pancakes and Orange Juice at at any Waffle House.

Courtesy of Ragnar Schwartzkof who is the Senior Vice President of Chicken, Syrup, Soup and Salad Delivery for Waffle House International, you will never go hungry as a Goon. Waffe’ membership will get you breakfast, brunch or brinner 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and barring hurricanes or flooding, rain or shine.

#6: All Goonwafe Members get free Soda’s and $15 dollars in snacks per visit to AM/PM.

AM PM is known as the place with “Too Much Good Stuff” but Goonwaffe’s secret slogan is “Fuck that place, we’ve got even better stuff”. To that end, Kazanir’s spreadsheets and EVE Market Acumen is sponsored by both Microsoft and AM-PM as evident by the super huge Big Gulp cup he carries with him on any stream he is on.

If Kazanir is talking numbers, he’s got that mug in hand, ready to hurl it across any meetup filled to the brim with Iced Tea and Lemonade Mix, like a liquid grenade thrown at the Germans during the Battle of the Bulge by Pro Golfer Arnold Palmer.

After one such display of slick Sodamanship, AM/PM allows any Goonwaffe member a free large soda, and $15 in snacks per visit. Your road trips will never be boring again!

#5: You’ll get into all the cool FFXIV “Social” Clubs regardless of Data Center

Waffe’ member Vipers Fang Crendraven is a world renown lover of Catgirls, and FFXIV Steamer. He will wow you with his Paladin Main Tank ability, and then woo you with his smooth dance skills which are welcome in any social club across Eorzea, so that means you are too! Join his party for purple loot, and his entourage for purple drank!

#4: Free Tickets to any Hillary Duff Concerts

Waffe’ CEO Asher “Aslan” Elias dated Hillary Duff in High school, and as such was also an extra on the set of “Ice Princess”. While they are no longer romantically inclined, their friendship continues and you reap the benefits. As a member you’ll get first pick of 1st and 2nd row Hillary Duff concert tickets courtesy of your illustriously maned leader.

#3: Free Planet Fitness Membership

Famous Waffe’ member Atrum Ficus is a fitness buff. His ethos is that Gamers shouldn’t have the traditional Gamer Body so he took all the money he won last year at the Senior Center Bingo and bought into a Planet Fitness Franchise, thus securing any Goonwaffe Member free nationwide entrance into any Planet Fitness.

Just show your membership card, and they will let you in and also trigger the Lunk Alarm in honor of Atrum Ficus’s unique ability to Bench Press ponies.

#2: Unlimited Supply of Enemies in Game

To quote the early 90’s philosopher Ernest P. Worrell, “If you can’t beat them, join them” (Earnest – Scared Stupid 1991 Touchstone Pictures).

The entirety of New Eden took its shot at Goonswarm and lost so badly that players in other MMO’s paused their raids and missions to stare in awe at the mighty bee’s of Goonswarm.

Join Goonwaffe and you will never lack for content. Still bigger and sad like a fever dream post nut clarity, the rest of New Eden still looks for a chance to strike at Goonswarm. Be a member of the corp that is the Vanguard of Delve.

#1: Asher “Aslan” Elias

League of Legends Streamer, Obscure Music Enthusiast, Wedding Singer, former 5 time YMCA Summer Camp Boggle Champion Asher “Aslan” Elias is not only the CEO of Goonwaffe, he’s the 13th best FC In game, as well as the 25th best FC in The Imperium.

Nicknamed Aslan for his fierce wisdom, his glorious thricolored mane flowing in the wind like a war banner before Gengis Khan, he stands at the head of a swarm of 41,510 bee’s, his paw raised to the sky in a challenge to his bitter rival Gobbins. An awesome sight to behold, an even better friend to have.

With him as your leader, you’ll never be trapped by Gobbins Turkish Delight ever again.

To join Goonwaffe, just light a candle in a dark bathroom and whisper into the mirror “Atrum, Atrum, Atrum” and wait for the ensuring phone call with recruitment details.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

three × five =